I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!