“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism