Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me