Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
me hooking up with my ex
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My purse is deeper than some people.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*