The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.