The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
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I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….