I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Snapes on a plane.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away