“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.