I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Fiction has to make sense.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place