Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
You Might Also Like
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.