Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies