me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Legend 🤣🤣
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.