(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
this will hang in the louvre one day
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
No. YOU-buprofen.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.