If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
2022 will be better than 2021
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.