Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ok like just. call me at this point
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.