Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Seek kebab; not attention
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
😂🤣😂🤣
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said