A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
❤️🦆
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Do one person every day that scares you.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.