People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation