satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Terribly Tuesday.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.