Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins