A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
💯😂
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.