I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-