Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
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[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
sistine chapel
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“