male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
You Might Also Like
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
men are simple creatures
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.