Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Happy thanksgiving!
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
handsome & gretel
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!