ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[adds another nod to the conversation]
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?