no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen