I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”