I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
You Might Also Like
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I’m not stressed
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.