The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.