It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.