In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.