*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Dear Lord..
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Never let them know your next move 😂
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
White parent Vs Arab parents
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies