Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I missed you with all my darts
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
me doing my best