yea so i messed up lol
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
beware of dog
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I see your IQ test came back negative
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.