911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*