People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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some cats are just doing for fun!
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
#titanic
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911