you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.