7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?