A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Oh my God.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys