If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear