When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
This made me chuckle.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣