Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.