There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
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Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Just so funny
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”