Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
You Might Also Like
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I feel this so hard
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT