My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
wishing you and yours all the best
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options