My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious