Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Don’t make me out nice you.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
the short answer to this question
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl