I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Just parrot things
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF