netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same